We Are Box People
“Black and white thinking” or as I like to refer to it “polarized thinking” is an all too common phenomenon. Most importantly, people seem to have difficulty with recognizing how their polarized thinking shows up in their lives. One of the frequent manifestations of this are statements like “always” and “never.”
Especially when working with couples I often here it used in the form of, “you never…” or “you always…”. These statements usually result with the individual that these statements are levied at feeling defensive or withdrawn. My response in these moments is calling attention to the fact that results are rarely achieved when polarized thoughts/statements are present. No one wants to feel attacked or belittled, which oftentimes is the outcome.
Then why do we do this? As my son comically says, “I have a theory!” Human beings are all about control. And the more we think we can control the safer we feel. If we can categorize our experiences into 1 of 2 boxes (Box Black and Box White), we are less chaotic. Therefore, we are what I have dubbed “Box People.”
Similar to our homes – if there were boxes scattered all over the house most people would feel disorganized and less ‘at home’. Compared with a few boxes that we can stack in the corner. Less chaos = less anxiety/worry/concern. This is our attempt to create the illusion of security, stability, and safety.
Individuals, couples, and families experience/use polarized thoughts – they exist all around us. Society influences us to believe that we need to “keep up with the Joneses” and if we don’t, we are less than. Polarized thinking. If you aren’t actor-level fit, then you are unhealthy. Polarized thinking. Or my favorite – if you aren’t happy (all of the time), then something is wrong. Guess what…polarized thinking.
It's far more liberating to exist within the gray. Thinking and living in the gray affords much more opportunity and freedom to experience the varieties of life. It also promotes our ability to embrace the imperfection we embody and that others around us embody. Polarized thinking creates too rigid and perfectionistic parameters.
Replace your “never” and “always” with ‘usually’. Or one of my preferred expressions, ‘oftentimes’. Whether I’m talking to myself (in my own head not aloud) or with others, I OFTENTIMES/USUALLY try to neutralize my speech to create more boxes. Not fewer boxes. A little chaos can go a long way and sometimes we need chaos in order to feel less chaotic. It also fosters an opportunity to better understand someone’s point of view rather than try to fit a perspective into 1 of the 2 boxes.
It's okay to be a box person. The solution is to start a collection of differing sized, shaped, and colored boxes.
This post was written by Dr. Barek Sharif, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of Thrival Therapy. Dr. Barek Sharif specializes in working with men’s and couple’s issues.
